The Ten Commandments –
As told by the “Shit Yourself Because You Are Alive� brigade.
1. Thou Shalt Not Breathe – between germs, industrial pollution, cow farts and God alone knows what else it’s just not good for you.
2. Thou Shalt Not Drink Water – between the miniscule amounts of radioactivity, animal piss and deadly shite washed out of the atmosphere it’s just not good for you.
3. Thou Shalt Avoid The Land – People and animals walk across it, piss on it, shit on it, it’s full of bugs (just ask David Attenborough) so coming into contact with it is just not good for you.
4. Thou Shalt Not Eat – If it’s vegetable it has grown in the soil (see 3) been watered by rain (see 1 and 2) so it’s well dodgy. If its animal the damn thing is probably insane so best avoided.
5. Thou Shalt Not Drink Beer – It’s made with water (see 2), hops, barley or malt which grow in soil (see 3). (Note - they can fuck right off on this one).
6. Thou Shalt Not Use A Handy – They’re frying your brains as you speak and if you can’t think you can’t be scared which, it seem, is the point of living.
7. Thou Shalt Not Be Overweight – Burying people in over-sized coffins is the number 1,268,975th cause of unnecessary landfill.
8. Thou Shalt Not Workout – Trying to get into shape is the number 2,684,952nd cause of strokes, heart attacks, broken bones, dislocated joints and “I’ve done it, why can’t you� smugness on the planet.
9. Thou Shalt Not Have Sex – It’s sticky, nasty and potentially fatal.
10. Thou Shalt Not Be Buried – If you’ve made it this far in life you are a walking, breathing accumulation of more containments than we’ve ever discovered and burial would increase the already gob smackingly enormous threat from soil (see 3).
In fact, let’s face it, if you care about life – you should not have been born!
(Yes, it is a slow day here
)
I read that the Nazis used fluoride to dumb down the workers... and that's why it's verboten here. Wonder how much truth there is to that? Meanwhile, I am encouraging my 3 year old to swallow his toothpaste... how else am I supposed to get it in his system?
