The vent

A shopping boycott on one of the biggest shopping days of the year, which sets the tone for the remainder of the shopping season for businesses, during the worst financial situation in recent history, is NOT clever, and makes you all seem like clueless idealists completely out of touch with the way our society and financial system functions at the moment and what it needs so that YOU can continue to get shiatsu, organic skiwear, backpacking trips to Costa Rica, and, hey, maybe one day you can even get a job. Idiots.

Stupid waitress, I sit at the counter for five minutes hoping you might come take my order. Then I go wait in the walk-up line to get my drink and sit back at the counter. After finishing, I wait again, hoping you might take my second order. I give up after a while and go back to the walk-up counter thinking this is just crappy German service. Then a lady sits in my seat and you immediately take her order!

No tips for you today!

And why can't people get the hell out of the way on the S/U bahn exits? I am going to knock someone down soon and then laugh...

Fuck this noise.

That is all.

Get a room!

you nimrods! You kept putting your PET recyclable bottles into the machine and not letting them clear away, so you jammed the machine! Then you kept trying to place more bottles in! Idiots! of course they were getting spit back at you!
You have to ring the buzzer to get someone to come and fix it... sticking your hands in there will not unstick the bottles after you jammed 4 in there! But it might get you hand hurt pretty good, as the divider things closes down on it!

To the people in our three-site video-conference call ... please close your laptop lids you fuckers.

At least pretend to pay attention to the meeting.

(And none are German; they are Brits and Swedes.)

i wish i could break all computers in the world

I have just been reduced to tears by a german stranger on the telephone.
No, not just tears; shaking, not being able to speak, uncontrollable sobbing.
I'm not someone who cries that easily either. It's just that this man was the spawn of satan.
To cut a long story short (ish), I bought a Quinny kinderwagen from his shop. 1 month later a screw had fallen out and is now missing.
It isn't a screw that I can just buy from a baumarkt, it's a special one.
Quinny told me i have to go back to where I bought the buggy, so I called them and they said no problem, they will order it for me.
Every week for the past 6 weeks I have called and spoken to different people, all who say sorry it is taking so long, but they haven't forgotten.
Today I called, and got the most nasty man I have ever spoken to, who said I was a liar because none of the employees there would have ordered a screw without me going into the shop.
Well the shop is a 1 hour drive each way from Cologne where I live, so I'm not going to go all the way there for a screw.
I was told by I think 3 different people that they would send it as soon as it arrives.
He accused me of trying to rip him off, that I could have bought the kinderwagen somewhere else and am just hasseling him for the screw, and called me a liar several times.
He was also very patronising and kept saying to me "as I have already told you 3 times".
I am still so upset I am shaking.
Oh yeah, and when I asked to speak to the manager, he said "I am the manager".
I think he was being so nasty because i am obviously a foreigner, I was being nice enough to him before he started badmouthing me.
Is there such thing as trading standards in germany???
Don't know what to do now.

Seriously, if you expect me to turn up to your poxy Christmas Party then fucking pay for it. There is nothing more tedious than being trapped in a room for an evening with a bunch of autists and other social inadequates who I have, to date, invested a great deal of time in avoiding - and then having to pay for it yourself! It is not fostering team spirit - trust me.

Well fine, I will humour you with your naive delusion that we all get on (frankly impossible with a load of locals who don't even acknowledge each others presence when they see each other on the street outside office hours), but then ...

To the stupid bitch of an attention seeking whore who is 'organising' this fiasco. Give me your fucking bank details so that I can forget about the whole farce until the day of the nightmare itself. I have already offered you the cash twice when you have brought up the issue. But no, you have to have the money electronically transfered to some, as yet unidentified, account.

Instead you are going to continue to bang on about your fears that the organisation of this 'non event' will all go wrong, that people are not going to pay up, blah blah blah.

Well people fucking can't pay up, can they? They don't know where to pay the money to. Much easier for you to revel in the 'glory' of being the designated organiser and feed your passive agressive disorder with your endless snidey 'I am such a victim' little comments.

Its worse than water torture - drip, drip, drip. Stupid needy cow. Why is putting your bank details with a tight deadline for payment in the initial fucking email with the venue details so fucking difficult? Most people would have paid up immediately just to avoid you. If people can't make it later then it is their problem - they either lose the money or fob the tickets on someone else. But then it wouldn't be all about you would it?

Fucking volunteers. Bah Humbug.

Go a-WAY, headache, you've been bugging me since Saturday evening.

I have a headache, my abdomen is so swollen I can barely see my feet and I have temporarily monstrous tits that are spilling out of my bra and so sore that looking intently at them might cripple me. And my thigh muscles appear to be attempting to secede from my torso. With prejudice.

When I was younger, I had a book that told me that having a period was a time to celebrate my womanhood. Fuck you, Miriam Stoppard. Fuck you.

Glad to be of service Britgirl!

My vent goes something like this:

congratulations of getting yourself a new girlfriend you dumbass stupid git!!
Yes, it was fun whiling away the odd hour or three with you, but no, it is not the end of the world, and the next guy I sleep with will NOT fall asleep from exhaustion until I give him permission to!!!
Three hours isn´t very long really, now is it??
- and you can think yourself lucky that I am not mentioning your name here yout stupid son of a bitch!!!

I can't stand how loud the Turkish kids are, driving me up the wall! RRAHAHRHA!!

You arrogant fucking arsehole.

How fucking dare you - you who isn't even an employee here - you who drops parcels of baby-shit in my waste-paper bin - how dare you talk to my boss, suggesting that I am causing the smell in the office.

How about getting your cycling gear out of here? Better still, get into it and go the fuck somewhere else. 'Cos come Christmas I happen to know that you're out of a job, mister. So suck on that.

I was just told to "gather the low hanging fruit". Aaaaaaah!

I now have mental images of old man scrotums, which should be a vent in itself.

However, I am tired, my shoulders are super tense, I have a headache. And I have to finish these poxy slides before I can leave. GAH.

It's already dark outside. I hate winter.

Lady, how can i reverse my car back to let you do a u-turn when there is already 2 cars and a lorry stuck behind right back to the entrance of the street? Is it that you wnat me to get out of my car and treck through the snow and direct all the traffic back, make sure the lorry reverses onto the main street just so you can turn? I THINK NOT. Silly bint.

Yes, I can see that the error is occurring and I have read the description 'destination unreachable/does not exist'.
There are, in effect, reasons for this spread out among a few categories.

1). Why the error..

1a). No one has set up the connection between the two systems. Now this is easy enough and you should really have stopped right there.

2). Why have I not set up the connection?

2a). It is not my job. I am not being awkward, see 2b below.
2b). I do not have the required access rights to set up the connection. Once again, I thought this was a good enough reason - I can only suggest you look up the definitions of 'excuse' and 'reason' in a dictionary.

3). Why is it not my job/why do I not have the required rights?
3a). Because, if we look at this document called 'contract' it clearly states that it is, actually, your job to do that. Not mine, not my cats, not the cleaning lady and no, not anyone else here - IT IS YOUR JOB.

4). Special category..

4a). No I cannot send you info on how to do it, however I can recommend a friend of mine, he/she has many nicknames - 2 of which are Google and Yahoo...

@ cb - Your vent entries are my personal favorites.

@ Deutsche Post - You've done it again. Ring the door-fcüking-bell when you have an Ein-fcüking-schreiben for me instead of just tossing the notifi-fcüking-cation into the mail-fcüking-box. Cat was at home all day waiting for a phone call from a potential employer, she is of age, she can sign for it. Now I have to take time off work and go to the post office in the Patagonia of Schwabing and wait for half an hour to get a letter you could have delivered today in two minutes.

[rant to self about self]
How long have you been living here? There is no excuse for not checking that the 'fresh' meat you bought on Saturday but had no time to use from Berlin's most self satisfied chain of supermarkets (Reichelt) had not gone off prematurely before you went out to buy accompanying ingredients this morning. Muppet.

Score: Fail
[/rant to self about self]

Fucking construction workers are STILL sawing, drilling and blasting away concrete below my office!!! First, the landlord promises that all the loud work will only be done on Saturdays. Did that happen? NO! Next, the landlord says the major construction and noise will be done within a few weeks. More than a month later it is still happening, generally from 9am until 6pm every bloody day. Now the Rossman, on which the construction is being done, is holding a re-opening party complete with annoying man on megaphone and blasting of horrible pop music. Oh, the lift is also broken, meaning I have had to walk up 12 flights of stairs, avoiding all of the shit people have left in the hallway until the lift is properly working again. Will the landlord reduce the rent for this month? No, of course not. The construction, noise or broken lift isn't their "problem". Seriously?!!

Thanks Sarabyrd - here is today (although not as funny as yesterday)..

Its not I am being picky, I am really not. Trust me.
However I seem to be the only person (here, I expect the customer feels the same way) that feels the following is not only a Kermit the frog thing to say, but quite stupid.

What you said..

There will be no one in the office over the Christmas period, no one at all. This has been decided by the people on high - we cannot change this, it is set in stone.

You then followed this statement with the this one.

So David, what do we have to do to arrange someone to be available for the customer should something go wrong over the Christmas period?

Let me see..
Stage a f**king revolution, it worked for those guys at the start of the Monty Python film 'The meaning of life', too strong, ok. How about I just raid my piggy bank and buy the company? As long as the company shares equal a total not more than 150 1 cent coins with a few 2's and 5's thrown in. I come from the UK, the Queen is not my Auntie Liz who slips the odd couple of million for Christmas every year.

If it is, I am sure I can find the odd 50 cent coin somewhere.

What the f**k do you expect me to say??? You just said that the place is going to be sealed up tighter than a quarantine site at Christmas and not one out of a film, but a real one.

NO ONE WILL BE HERE!!! That includes me, you, my whole team, the people from my last rant (my cat, Janice the cleaner or anyone else that actually work here).

You have now set a customer expectation that no one will be able to meet. You have in effect, just told a whole load of investors that the next Van Damn film will not only be good but will actually make sense and definitely make them some return on their investment!

Word of the day - contradiction!

Why don't we throw an extra log on the fire while we are at it, I will go along and play Santa Claus to the customers kids while you sit on the top of the tree with the spike up your arse as that's all you seem to be good at F************ck..

Stop fucking around with bombs! Gawddammittohellandback, can't you people stop setting off explosives in the name of whateverthefuck you're trying to promote? Not the best way to win hearts and minds, ya know. Or at least kill each other off quickly so that folks like my husband can go about his business without worrying about being blown up.

I don't mind his many business trips in general, but I start to get nervous when he's in India right now and half of Bombay seems to be going up in flames. Thank gawd he wasn't there today. Yeah, we chatted for an hour so I'm sure he's ok. But I'm still pissed off at all you motherfuckers who like blowing up innocent people. You're nothing but worthless scum.

NO no no!
I do not have to knock something off that price!

If you dont like it... dont accept it, buy elsewhere!

Simple, Innit?

Wow! I'm so glad that circulation and respiration are automatic or I'd be dead.

It's one thing to forget your Überweisungsschein but to then also forget what side of your body needs to be operated on is a little worrying.

Ability to function as a sentient being: FAIL

Yesterday the phonebook was an information matrix and today the project should be viewed as a two-storey house and not a bungalow.

I'm so confused.

Sounds like someone's manager/project leader has been reading one of those 'business books' filled with business terms.

Business speak - I hate it.

Why can people not just say what they want to say. No, they know that saying this will make them sound like a f*cktard so they dress it up with some obscure reference/example to make it sound good.

Well excuse me, I (and lots of other normal, sane English speaking people) did not fight our way through 11 of crap that is the English comprehensive school system to try and scrape a better lives for ourselves to have you, Mr/Miss/Mrs f*ckhead, start to rewrite what has, up until now, been an OK way of saying things in English.

We (the collective normal people) are sorry you feel you should too stupid to do your job, we are sorry that you feel the need to constantly use terms invented by someone trying to make their job sound more important.

Shut up and just talk like a normal human being.
At the moment you rank among the dignity stripping scum that list jobs as what they are not (Sanitary technician is a cleaner and an Office visibility enhancer is a window cleaner).

And if you dare, dare to start using those little 2 letter terms for the terms you have just made up you will get one of my specially engineered heavy duty personal transport foot protector units right up your personal waste outlet port.

Maybe that will stop you talking out of it for once...

Not that this happens where i work mind

No, really, it doesn't...

ps - does that bungalow have a basement, if so, its still a two story building, just with hidden foundation costs

@cb: You should really start a blog about these work experiences- your posts are hilarious!

One hour and twenty-five minutes on the phone with two IT bods in London = 1 raging headache. Dunno if the bloodshot eyes have anything to do with it but I know I haven't been drinking. I feel like homegrown mierde.

Dear Landlord,

The heaters in my house don't fucking work. If you don't know why, maybe you should HIRE someone to figure it out! It is FIFTEEN FUCKING DEGREES in my house, and the heaters that do work are cranked. I'm sick of wearing a toque and winter jacket to do my homework, OR SLEEP.

PS. If my neighbour hasn't moved in yet, and isn't moving in for another three weeks, why did you turn on all his heaters?? So it's nice and warm when he gets here? Or because you think wasting his oil so he has to fill it up the day he moves in is thoughtful?

IF YOU WANT TO BE LANDLORDS, GET A CLUE. Walking into my house when I'm having a shower is not entirely appropriate. Neither is not giving us a shower door for our spare bathroom that your promised six months ago...

Sincerely,
Someone who is glad to be moving out when the lease is up.

that dept head really pushes my buttons! That came in for you literally 5 minutes ago!!! I tried to call you but couldn't get through. I am not your personal secretary so do not keep a track record of everything you say/do. I would have phoned back in a couple of mins again. anyway

To the b-ass-tard who stole my scarf from Kilian's - I hope it gets caught in the escalator steps and strangles you. That scarf was a present last Christmas from a now dead friend, and if you have the slightest spark of decency you will hand it back to the staff with apologies. If I see you in that scarf, and believe me, I can identify it, you will hand it over or we'll both end up in custody.

I just read an article in the IHT that uses "train up." Why? I'm hardly a grammar nazi, but why doesn't "train" stand alone anymore?

"The matter is considered urgent because President-elect Barack Obama has made Afghanistan a foreign policy priority. NATO officials said last week that they were expecting the incoming U.S. administration to ask NATO allies to contribute more troops and experts in order to beat back the Taliban and train up an Afghan Army and police force."

Is the alternative to "train down" an army?

Grrrrr. And my brother "cooks up" a meal rather than just cooks it. Grrrrrr.

can't be too explicit - new job monitoring web usage before i start. <deep breath>

i know i have 5 days left of this job. this apparently means that someone believes they can really assert their authority and make me do the most ridiculing jobs, demean me, and show no appreciation for the job i do.

i just have to get through 4 and a half more days. 4 and a half. 4 and a half. 4 and a half. i can do this. i think.

And now the full flow version!

What sadistic f**ker decides to drill two teeth with out anything to block the pain? Do I look like the guy out of Rain Man? Do I look like I have made a habit of going for Mother and daughter doubles and turning up at church to stop weddings.

Not to mention dressing up like a cross dressing Pirate and playing with kids! Do I look like this? Do I look like I like to run long distances and may know the whereabouts of stolen/missing Diamonds? DO I appear to be the kind of person who, in any sort of way, likes pain?

I have not been any film with Ben Stiller or Tom Cruise and my nickname is not Little Bigman!

Oh, yes, please more, I just cannot get enough of the hot searing, rotating hot pain that goes along with tooth drilling. The burning smell as I feel my enamel being stripped away just makes me want to sing.

Have you ever seen little shop of horrors, the dentists patient that likes his tooth drilled - that's NOT ME! I am a normal person, I tend to play ball with my body and when it tells me 'move you f**ktard, I sense pain' I tend to go along with the advice. It know best, it has been keeping me in one piece for a long time now.

Right now my body is as pissed off at me as it could get. The sacred bond of trust between us has been damaged and hopefully it won't walk me in a door, or anything big and yellow traveling at high speed by way of payback.

No, please, go deeper, the pulp will only extend the fun! Don't let me stop you, its only my f**king teeth you are drilling. What do I know, I am just on the other end of the pain receptors that are, at this very minute screaming at me to MOVE YOU TWAT, THIS HURTS!

Now I realize that time estimation may not be on the curriculum at Pain Inducers school but when saying to someone 'it will only take a minute or two' when you are about to drill their teeth 'YOU HAD BETTER BE MORE F**KING PRECISE WITH THE ESTIMATE' - next time I am going to bring along a pair of pliers and clamp then on your balls.

No, keep going, trust me, if it hurts you will be the first person after me to find out about it. I will squeeze those pliers like a nut cracker going after a Brazil nut - I hope you have had kids because on your show this morning I would have cracked both your nuts to the point you could take up a second career as a lady-boy.

AND AT WHAT POINT DOES THE 'AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH NOISE START TO ALERT YOU TO THE FACT THAT THIS FUCKING HURTS! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF OR WHAT?

I should not have to physically move my tooth away from the damn drill to make you realize that this BURNING PAIN IS NOT PLEASANT!
Are you incapable of understand body langauge? I bet you are a blast with the kids - there are only squirming due to the uncomfortable chair!!

I will however take this experience as a learning experience and buy a new electric toothbrush along with some very, very big pliers!

Dear colleague,

Thank you for calling in sick for the 15th (!!!) time this year on Monday, saying you'll be back on Tuesday.
And for calling again on Tuesday saying you'll be back on Wednesday.
And for callin today, even as early as 11 a.m. (when you were supposed to be here by 9 at the latest), to let us know you are still on sick leave and you don't know when you will be coming back.

We (who are all doing overtime now to do YOUR work) are really looking forward to the day you will come back and you will be telling us all (one after the other, instead of f***** getting on with your work) how bad you were feeling, how your head was aching, or your felt nauseaus, or how you broke off a nail. We just LOVE to listen to your hypochondriac stories for ages, cos you don't understand the hint when someone you are talking to is not even looking at you but looking at his screen and writing an email...

Oh, and thanks dear boss who doesn't have the balls to put his foot down and tell this Kollegenschwein that her constant skipping work will no longer be accepted.

can't get the bastard tree lights to work. have checked each bulb and they all look fine. broke a nail too

dear colleagues,

if you don't want to come to my goodbye dinner, just tell me. i had to make reservations, which means backing out on me at the last minute leaves me sitting alone at a table for 8. it is not that big of a deal. i know we all didn't really like each other in the first place, i only tried to organize something so we could all have some sort of positive thing to look back at with fond memories. but now it is turning into a nightmare.

dear boss,

my last day is tomorrow. this does not mean you can strip me of all of my duties today and have me clean the windows. it is pretty humiliating, but because i am trying my best to not burn bridges, i will be coming in tomorrow, no matter how much i don't want to.

have a great rest of your lives,
smitty

Just WHY is everybody trying to pick a fight with me today??? Apart from being totally unreasonable and off the mark. Aaaaaargh!!

Two today, crap Italian car design and dodgy car dealers.

I wander into a car lot and look at a Merc estate and am joined by the Turkish version of Arfur Daley.

Me: So, how much and what kind of condition is the motor in?

Arfur: It has a very good motor but it makes klack klack when it drives.

It makes fuckin what???

" Would sir like a test drive? " delivered to the departing back of the prospective punter.

Aaaarrrrgggggggg! Have just spent half an hour trying to put back up a stupid curtain rod. Pathetic bloody idea. Tiny allen key, tiny miserable screw that fell out on carpet. Have crawled around on floor, spent ages on a ladder with my arms over my head, banged my head on the ceiling. Who ever invented such a lame brain idea should be shot.

NB This system does NOT work if you wear multi focals. Try focusing on such a miserable tiny thing with your head jammed against a sloping ceiling. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Chelle had a few reds but nedless to say I need to vent wankered as I am..Why do people think they have a right to unload their fucking ideas on you..is it ok to say go f.. your self?? I dont give rats ass what u think...

The defendants' response which I am translating does not make sense and I am going berserk translating it without correcting the contents. This lawyer has no clue, no idea, no method, only madness.

Wanky customers that fail to do as they promised are a pain in the arse.

Plus it looks like i'm gonna be stuck in Graz on friday evening at a bloody company Xmas do instead of quaffing PoE.

Try untangling Christmas tree lights with a hangover...all I can say is F..Me!!

So you fucking stupid German bitch.Give me 2, i say 2 written warnings in a day.Well what the fuck do you say now you fat twunt.Hope the industrial tribunal taught you a fucking lesson.As the judge said learn to write a written warning out properly and get the content put down truthfully.Do not turn up with only half the truth and expect to get away with it.My grandad and his mates got rid of fucking people like you 63 years ago.So if its a fight you want bring it on you came out very fast in the first round but i got you good in the second round.You lost and you lost very badly maybe now you will learn that if you are going to take on an Englishman you have to fight.We do not lay down and roll over.Who the fuck did you think you had in front of you.come on bitch you got shafted and the good thing was i did it in your own language,yes thats right i fucked you over in German so maybe now you and your mate,my dept head,will cut me some slack and leave me alone to do a job that i am an expert at and spend more time covering his arse because he cannot do the fucking job.

Topic closed? I wasn't finished with him, dammit.

(@Mik: Whoah! Good rant... )

Why can't someone else in my house (ie him) cook, think about meals, shop, wrap presents, decorate, organise. Am fed up, fed up, fed up.

Wait, I'm sorry, you're going to LOCK the shower if we continue to not clean it properly after we use it?!? Simply because every fucking drop of water was not dried up and maybe there was one stray hair or two...
Unbelievable! I am not paying 170 euro to live in prison where I need to obtain a key from a NUN every morning before I want to take a shower. I've had enough with OCD Germans who can't understand that showers/sinks are meant to be wet...it's ok. They're not going to rot from a few drops of water. It's called air drying. Wow.
I need to get out of this crazy house.